The Secret Diary of Theoden, King of Rohan
by lalaithien
Summary: My first Secret Diary from The Two Towers! Enjoy or hate - your choice. But please, no hate-mail!


The Secret Diaries Continued: The Secret Diary of Theoden, King of Rohan 

Author's Note: These Secret Diaries are my own. Some of you have (kindly and not-so) pointed out that the idea is Cassandra Claire's. While I freely admit I got the idea of putting Lord of the Rings characters into "Diary" situations from Cassie, the executions are my own intellectual property. I take inspiration also from Bridget Jones (as it's fairly obvious Cassie does as well). I haven't bothered with strict timelines, so Tolkien purists beware. Thanks, and now…enjoy!

_Day 1:_

Caught Eomer doing nasty things to Orcs again. As grounding not working will banish him. Drat. This means will have to get new personal assistant.

_Day 2:_

Have sent to trusty wizard Saruman for new personal assistant. So far no answer. Suspect Saruman on Trading Spaces viewing binge again. Overly fond of redecorating.

_Day 10:_

Personal assistant arrived from Orthanc today. In dire need of protein pack and fashion stylist but otherwise suitable for job. Perhaps Saruman should consider redecorating personal staff? Has promised to cook all meals for me from now on. Looking forward to this as Eowyn's cooking v. bad. V. v. bad.

_Day 11:_

Am feeling ill. Wormtongue brewing some homeopathic remedies from Saruman for me. Ahh, sweet domesticity.

Day 12:

Headache gone but have noticed a few stray grey hairs. Wormtongue assures me is only temporary side-effect of homeopathic remedy. Makes sense as Eowyn's cooking also known to give people grey hairs.

Day 13:

Suspect Wormtongue developing crush on Eowyn. Do not understand as Eowyn cannot cook, clean, sew, or brew remedies. V. good with weaponry so perhaps Wormtongue considering Eowyn for personal bodyguard?

Day 14:

Do…not…feel…well. On plus side protein serum for hair and nail growth working fabulously. 

Day 15:

So…tired. Must…rest. Am all alone in Hall of Meduseld – banishing Eomer _SO_ clever of me. Eomer too open-hearted; allowed all sorts of scruffy citizens to wander about begging for things. V. quiet now. Will take little nap.

_Day 25:_

Drat. Gandalf the Grey arrived with scruffy entourage in tow. But no longer Grey. Peculiar. Want to go back to sleep.

LATER:

Super-duper royal bodyguard completely kicked to bits by scruffy leather-clad hobo, pint-sized something (Grumpy the Dwarf?), and perfect cat-like tall willowy blonde. Drat. If Eowyn had been here would have kicked all their a**es.

Day 27:

Gandalf had nerve to tell me must evacuate Edoras and run for the hills. What does he think I am? A coward? How dare he!

LATER:

Have been informed that Saruman sending ten thousand Orcs my way. Want to hide. Am leaving Edoras as soon as get blasted armour on. Cannot find Wormtongue anywhere.

Day 28:

Attacked by band of Orcs en route to Helm's Deep. Wonder how they knew where to find us. Battle was success. Extra bonus: overbearing scruffy leather-clad hobo fell over cliff. Sadly pointy-eared leggy blonde and pint-sized hairball did not. Drat.

Day 29:

At Helm's Deep at last. In serious disarray after last party held here. Should have remembered cleaning crew. But likely does not matter as have brought scruffy citizens of Rohan with me who would not appreciate clean caves anyway.

Day 30:

Drat. Scruffy overbearing leather-clad hobo who insists I call him Aragorn-Son-Of-Arathorn miraculously not dead. Lectured me on being leader of men. Hah. Some leader he is, falling over convenient cliffs to escape Orcs. Not heeding him at all. Am King of Rohan and worthy adversary, even for stupid Orcs. And Aragorn-son-of-Arathorn to blame for this whole mess anyway as Saruman would not care tuppence about Rohan if Heir-To-The-Kingdoms-Of-Gondor-And-Arnor were not here.

Day 31:

Gandalf has deserted us. Wish Aragorn and pretty-boy always-clean Elf would desert us. (Giblet or whatever-his-name-is not so bad as ratty hair and excessive dirt blend in with rest of Rohirrim here.) 

Day 32:

Starting to rain; perhaps will finally get populace clean. Have just spotted ridiculous number of Orcs heading our way. Am starting to wish was not here.

_A LITTLE LATER:_

Attacks definitely about to begin. Am certain will die. But hopeless-yet-brave flash-of-glory death still better than Eowyn's cooking.

_LATER:_

Drat. Hopeless-yet-brilliant last stand spoilt by arrival of band of tall pointy-eared blondes. As if I needed more than one. And Aragorn prancing round giving orders: "Shoot 'em in the neck! Shoot 'em in the leg! Take 'em down! Show 'em no mercy!" Is getting on my nerves. Have mind to throw Aragorn from parapet, if was convinced would work as A does not seem to be affected by falling from heights.

Day 33:

Heroic stuff-of-epics suicide mission complete failure with arrival of Gandalf and Eomer accompanied by band of scruffy horsemen. Thought I had banished Eomer… wish people would stop challenging my authority. Gandalf apparently not experienced in cavalry charges as plunged full-speed down scree-strewn slope. (But not till he had close-up in dreamy ecru backlighting. Wish I could have attractive close-up with dreamy ecru backlighting. Complexion still not completely recovered from Saruman's homeopathic remedies.)


End file.
